Jim Kern’s Feet Are Nasty

The below is an excerpt from 70’s & 80’s Tales of the Texas Rangers by Jim Kern and edited by me. I wrote a short chapter on Jim’s nasty feet.

Jim Kern has some of the ugliest feet I’ve ever seen.

I first saw them on a yacht in Brazil’s Amazon. I was coming off the throes of food poisoning and felt like utter crap. I was beat, my muscles ached, was sleep deprived and dehydrated.

Jim offered me a beer.

It was nine in the morning.

I took it then noticed his bare feet.

They were cadaverously pale and thin, and the toes bent toward the inside to the point of almost overlapping one another. They resembled something one would find in a book on physical deformities or on a Chinese girl who had them bound since birth.

Jim’s feet were scary.

And kind of gross.

“What the hell happened to your feet?” I asked without an ounce of tact.

Jim explained that his feet were the result of his many years in professional baseball. Apparently, back in the day players were forced to don wet cleats that were already a half size too small. The shoes dried on the players’ feet and in the process pushed their toes inward. This was apparently supposed to ensure that the shoes were held tight to the players’ feet.

I relayed this story to my father who was a big fan of Emu.

Well, maybe not “fan.”

It was more like, “Jim Kern? That crazy Emu guy with all the hair? Yeah, I remember him. Damn good pitcher.”

NOTE: This is a glowing compliment so far as my father is concerned.

Anyway, after telling my father about Jim’s feet my father responded, “Athletes were a hell’uva lot tougher back then. And, given what Jim let them do to his feet, a whole lot dumber then too.”

NOTE: This is still a compliment so far as my father is concerned.

I don’t agree with my father on the dumber part, as I’m sure shrinking shoes to your feet was probably cutting-edge physical training back when Jim played. I do agree with my father on the tougher part however. Can you imagine a professional athlete today going through the agony of having his or her feet squished in a vise just to insure a better fitting shoe?

I can’t.

Because those days are gone.

And those athletes retired long ago.

Jim’s part of the group that was old school tough.

Don’t believe me?

Have him show you his feet!

I’d recommend you have him show you down in the Amazon. He puts together one hell’uva fishing trip for Peacock Bass through his Emu Outfitting company.

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